Lucy's story
Trigger warning: Lucy's story details her experiences of physical & emotional abuse - including financial control and manipulation (e.g. gaslighting.) It also covers abortion/termination of pregnancy (TOP) due to spina bifida. Please call our helpline if you need support.
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“My world became very small”
“I ran a lot as a child. My parents were very supportive, driving me to different places for competitions or early morning training sessions. They were both teachers, so they were always around in the holidays. I was an only child. It was a happy childhood. We were very close then and still are today.
“I went off to university after school. I did my degree and then a PhD. It was during my PhD that I met my ex-husband, Brian. We worked on a project together, and then started a relationship. I was in my mid-twenties when I moved away from friends and family to live with him. We started working together in the same company. Our desks were side by side and I was part of his extended team. We were together 24/7 and my world became very small.
“We had very different personalities. Brian was more dominant. I was much more passive. He was also a lot older, there was a 16-year age gap. We didn’t really feel it back then. Other people would notice it. My parents had concerns about the age gap, and him. But, in my head, it was just my mum being negative.
“I didn't have a lot of friends nearby that weren't our joint friends or work colleagues. Brian was always very friendly, extroverted, supportive and helpful in a teacher kind of way with his own team. And most people we worked with liked him. There were clashes with colleagues from other areas of the business. And that would sometimes seem odd. But again, I just think I just explained them away.
“He was very sociable, he liked to go out. I’d always have a good time. We worked hard and played hard. I think he'd always had a drinking problem. Since his teenage years at least. At first, I just thought, ‘oh, he’s somebody who likes to party’.”
“His ex-wife had disappeared for very good reason”
“The early years were happy. There were some warning signs, not that I paid them attention at the time. For example, we had a bit of a strange dynamic in that I lived in his house and was constantly reminded it was his house - that it was in his name, not mine. He also had ex-girlfriends come to visit. He’d tell me they were just friends. But it would be very awkward.
“I very quickly felt dependent, like ‘if I change the relationship, do I lose my job, do I lose my house?’ even though now I can see actually at that point, I wasn't as dependent as I thought I was.
“We got married and fell pregnant quickly. Our first baby had spina bifida and the pregnancy was terminated halfway through. That was a hard time. I was far from my close friends and family, so I only talked to him about it. I became dependent on him for understanding my emotions around the loss. I kept my parents at a distance too. My world became even smaller.
“I probably thought he was supportive at the time. We had very different ways of dealing with it. He went out. He’d drink a lot and would accuse me of being a recluse. He’d say, ‘Everybody's saying you've turned into a recluse’, because I wasn't going to the pub. But I’d stopped drinking because I was pregnant. And then we didn't have the baby, and I was still not drinking. At the time, I had an important job, I was giving talks to hundreds of people - so how could I be a recluse? I was just choosing not to go to the pub.
“Brian was divorced. His ex-partner lived on the other side of the world with his son. It had been a very bitter breakup. At that time, I only knew his sort of side of the story. He said she was difficult, that she had run away with the baby and made it very difficult for him to see his child. The story that I was painted was of this heroic dad who went through hell to try to see his son and maintain a relationship with him.
“I never questioned his version of events at the time. I just accepted what he said. But just as I found out years later the ex-girlfriends who used to visit weren’t in fact ex-girlfriends, I also found out his ex-wife had disappeared for very good reason.”
”He stopped drinking for a while…”
“The disrespectful behaviour got worse and more frequent as time went on. The worse behaviour always seemed to fall on occasions. Times that should have been nice occasions. He’d be particularly difficult on my birthday. I don’t know why. The rationale I still don't understand.
“It sometimes came to a head. We once had a big argument and I’d gone away on a course very upset. During the course, the group had discussed relationships where you feel you give more than you get back, and I thought ‘that’s absolutely it’. It made me think ‘I shouldn’t be in this relationship’. But when I got back, I didn't do anything about it.
“We went on to have three healthy children. It was stressful because there was a high risk of them having Spina Bifida. We only knew they were ok, through scans, when we halfway through the pregnancy. When I was pregnant with my eldest, Brian got pancreatitis through excessive drinking. He was very ill and was taken to hospital. He stopped drinking for a while. It was the only time I’d ever seen him stop drinking. But he started again after we had the baby.
“He was more difficult during my second pregnancy. It was a very stressful time. In my mind I thought ‘we've managed to have one healthy baby so this one must be another unhealthy baby’. Brian was drinking a lot during that time.
“And then I got ill, I got a virus had to go into the hospital. I was told I might have the baby prematurely. When I came out, I was completely shattered, and still had the virus and a temperature. It was Brian’s birthday at the time. His parents wanted to party with him. I wasn’t well and I didn’t have anyone to look after me or my daughter who was only a toddler.
“Just before I had my second baby, I took my daughter to stay with my parents in Wales and we had such a nice time. When we went to leave, my daughter started crying in the garden. She was only two. I was crying too. Neither of us wanted to go back home.”
“My children saw a lot of arguments.”
“Brian was very jealous of my parents, particularly my dad. There was always tension when my parents were around. My children love their grandparents. I love them. And Brian just couldn’t handle that.
“He’d had a difficult upbringing. His father had a drinking problem and a very bad temper. I suspect he was abusive to his wife, probably abusive to Brian. I think the situation was bad. Police would be called. Brian and his siblings all left home as soon as they could. He’d talk about it. But not how it affected him, not how it made him feel. He was very matter of fact. The facts only came through in patches over the years.
“I had a third child and put all my focus on the children. I think our relationship had pretty much given up the ghost by then. He'd always be in the pub. He’d come home drunk; we’d argue and then he’d say ‘I was fine when I got in here’ blaming me for everything. He’d become frustrated when my parents were visiting. He’d say ‘they take over, I don't get to see my kids’. But when my parents would go home, he’d leave immediately for the pub.
“My children saw a lot of arguments. He’s a big guy, and he would bang the table, or he would throw a plate. They’d see it all.
“He’d belittle, break and throw away any small gifts they’d been given from my parents. It was odd behaviour considering he often told me a story about how, when he was a teenager, his girlfriend had made him a quilt and his dad didn't approve of the girl, so he tore the quilt up, frothing at the mouth. He didn't see the parallels between his dad and his own behaviour.
“The kids got into the habit of hiding any gifts from their grandparents so Brian couldn't break them. My daughter was quite young, she must have only been six or seven, and I remember distinctly her sobbing saying, ‘I really want to love Daddy, but it's so hard’.”
“…holidays were awful as he’d drink all day.”
“Even when we were married, my name wasn’t on the house deeds. I knew talking about it would cause an argument, so I didn't do it.
“Early on in the relationship, before we were married or had kids, we'd had a big argument about the house and what would happen if he died. I was only talking hypothetically about our long-term picture. He was adamant that the house was to go to his first son by his ex-wife. Now I think, ‘did you not see what was happening there?’
“My job was with him, all our money was lumped together in a joint account, I was busy looking after our kids - so, I’d never really entertained the idea of leaving. I’d think ‘how could I do that? The kids and I won’t have anywhere to live, we’ll have no money’. I just couldn't put them in that situation.
“When he was working, he’d work through the day then drink afterwards but holidays were awful as he’d drink all day. Lodged in my memory is one particular holiday. He’d been drinking all the way there, and he was feeling ill and all stressed and het up. We had a massive argument in the hotel room, and he hit me across the face in the bathroom. I don’t know if the kids saw. They were certainly aware of it. I took some pictures of my face for evidence, but one of my children, who was only eight at the time, made me delete them because he didn’t want to see them.
“I can see that I probably should have just got us all out of there. At that time, I just thought I’d try and hold everything together until till all the kids had left home. But, after another holiday, one of my daughters, she must have been 11, I remember her begging me ‘Please don't divorce him. I don't want to spend any time alone with him’.”
“Most of my time was spent walking on eggshells.”
“We were moving house. We’d needed more space for a long time. I made sure both our names were on the deeds. It was a very painful process because Brian didn’t want to move. He had a lot of anxiety. His behaviour was out of control.
“He was very controlling about money at that point. He was obsessed with the money from the house sale. If I took any of the kids out for lunch he’d rant and rave about it. Even though he was spending a fortune on alcohol.
“He just seemed to lose the plot after we moved. The kids and I did most of the getting ready for the move and the move itself, and the unpacking. He’d retired at that point. When he worked, his drinking probably affected his work, but he was functioning. He wasn't a complete mess. Most people knew he had a drinking problem. He was clashing with people at work, but he was still functioning.
“When he retired, he could drink all day. That was the point that the same daughter who’d begged me not to divorce him as she didn’t want to be alone with him, said ‘Please don’t divorce Daddy. I don't think he could cope on his own. ‘
“Most of my time was spent walking on eggshells. I’d try and sleep in a different room. I’d blame not being able to sleep on his snoring. He’d gained a lot of weight through excessive drinking and had started snoring. But he wouldn’t let me sleep elsewhere. So, we’d argue all night.
“There wasn't much remorse. Everything was always twisted so that it was my fault, the kids’ fault. We’d triggered this in him. We were the reason why he had got angry and things. I hadn't been nice enough. That’s why I didn't think it was abuse because it didn’t follow the pattern you’re taught - that somebody gets angry and violent then they're very apologetic
“I’d say he’d hurt my arm or whatever he’d done at the time. He would tell me that it's not abuse. And he would say that I was being disrespectful to women who are actually suffering abuse. I believed him for a very long time. I thought I was causing all the problems, that if only I could be a better person, then the situation would be better at home and the kids would be happier. I carried a lot of guilt.
“I’d blamed myself for our arguments.”
“It kept getting worse, to the point he would sometimes be verbally abusive to the children, calling them ‘c*nts’ for something trivial like not letting him know his food was ready. The kids were stressed. One would have migraines, the other was fainting. It was a nightmare. It’s difficult to even think now about what went on.
“I was very lonely. I didn't realize that at the time because I was so used to being lonely. It just felt like that's what life was like. Then I got involved with a networking group. We went on a couple of personal development workshops and I had that same thought I’d had 20 years before – that I was in relationship where I'm giving much more than I get back. And I realized I now needed to do something about it.
“Through this group, I’d realized I could create a profitable business, I could boost my confidence, I could do all sorts of things, but if I didn’t sort out my relationship and this situation, I’d always be unhappy.
“The people in the group became friends. But I’d never confided in anyone about the severity about the abuse. I’d blamed myself for our arguments. So, if I ever spoke to anyone about it, I’d say ‘there’s a lot of anger in the house’.
“Then slowly I told two people about his drinking. I was cautious. I just said he's difficult when he's drinking. And one of them said, ‘you know, my parents stayed together because of the kids and that taught me how to have completely the wrong kind of relationships’, and she'd gone on to be in abusive relationships. That hit me hard. That made up my mind. I thought, ‘What am I teaching my daughters?’ I knew he would be difficult, that he’d fight me. But I needed to do it. I needed to get out of this situation. I needed to be a role model to my daughters.”
The divorce: “I knew I had a long battle ahead.”
“Sometimes Brian would try. He’d do courses. It would work for a while and then he’d start drinking again. But by this point, I’d realized that I still didn't like him even when he was more sober.
“He’d manipulate the children. He told one daughter how upset he was that I was divorcing him, that I was tearing the family apart. She’d say to me, ‘you're really hurting Dad and he's been trying so hard’. She’d say that she’d forgiven him for a lot of the stuff that he's done now, so why can't I? That was hard.
“I knew he was going to make it very, very difficult to leave. I’d found out more about his ex-wife, the truth of their relationship, about their extended court cases. It wasn’t at all how it had been painted to me. I knew I had a long battle ahead.
“Through the NHS support Brian had to stop drinking, he was assigned a sort of alcohol counsellor. He didn’t like me using the term ‘alcohol counsellor’. She’d been supporting him and having some interactions with the family too. I trusted her and told her that I was going to tell him I wanted a divorce.
“We agreed that, when I told him, she would be there and sit between us in case he kicked off. So, we did that. We all sat at the kitchen table, and I told him we were going to divorce. He blew up but not angrily as I’d expected. He became upset. We somehow persuaded him to go to rehab. It happened quickly. He was taken to rehab a few days later and stayed for a month.
“The kids and I had the nicest time without him there. The kitchen had always been his domain. But with him gone, we all cooked together. We had friends stay. The weather was beautiful. It was an amazing time.
“We went to see him, and he’d be a completely different person. He was a lot calmer. He kept very quiet about what was discussed in the counselling sessions. He was very moved by other people's stories. He’ll show a lot of emotion at other people’s emotional stories, he cries very easily. But then in other ways he’s very cold.
“He was in such a better place mentally while in rehab. He didn't drink while he was there. But it didn't last. He didn't want it to.”
“What about the children?”
“He came home. It was very difficult. I’d spend as much time out of the house as I could. I’d feel a dread when he was coming home. I would feel sick if his car was there and I knew he was home.
“We were still talking about the divorce. And eventually, the kids found out. I'd moved out of our bedroom. The kids spent all their time in their bedrooms. We’d sit in our rooms while he was in the kitchen or in the pub. We would only come together to eat.
“Mealtimes were horrible. The kitchen went back to being his domain. He’d cook dinner then ring a bell. If you weren’t there immediately, he’d yell. Everyone would eat as fast as possible and then leave. And we’d try not to talk to him because it would normally kick off.
“I talked to a solicitor about my options. She reassured me that I'd be able to get a fair financial settlement. She’d say things normally don't go all the way to court, that she was sure we’d be able to come to some agreement.
“I went to the Citizens Advice Bureau. They explained what benefits I might be able to get if we divorced and my business wasn't bringing in enough money. I told them that Brian kept saying I wouldn't have enough money, that I wouldn't be able to cope on my own with the kids. They saw the manipulation. They just said, ‘this is your first step of getting yourself sorted and it will be okay’.
“I told my parents that I was going to divorce him. That was a big moment because I was worried that they'd say ‘oh, what about the children? Can’t you just wait till they go to university?’, but they just said, ‘we can't believe you've stayed this long.’ They were so supportive. And, I thought, ‘if they're so supportive, then I can definitely do this’. And so, I formally engaged the solicitor, and she sent the first letters to him to say that I was going to file for divorce and we would try and do things amicably. But nothing was amicable. He refused to cooperate.”
“He fought every stage and dragged it out..”
“He never physically threatened me after I formally filed for divorce. I had to write my petition, with details of the abuse, so maybe he was advised to be on his best behaviour.
“I’d found a place I could rent and wanted to move out, but my solicitor said I should stay. They said if I left, it would look as if I was implying he was fine to look after the kids, that I didn’t need the big house. I was devastated.
“We lived together throughout the divorce proceedings, through Covid. Covid made everything worse. During the strictest part of the lockdown, when the pubs were closed, he didn’t drink for a while. So, things were horrible, but not terrible. But then one day he came home with a few cans of beer. And that was it. He started drinking at home. I kept out of his way as much as possible. I’d make two cups of tea to take up to my room to limit time in the kitchen.
“I would try and make suggestions to Brian through the solicitor such as dividing up time in the house so that one of us would have use of the kitchen on certain days and the other on the other days, but he wasn't having any of it. I’d cook for me and the children, but he’d insist on eating with us then be cruel about what I’d cooked.
“Meanwhile, the divorce was underway. But he wouldn't provide any information or get a solicitor until he got forced with legal deadlines. So, we had to go down a very formal legal route. I had to take it through the courts. And he fought every stage and dragged it out as long as possible. He said he would, he said he would fight everything.”
Reaching out: “…they believed me.”
“When it was clear we had to go to final hearing, things really escalated at home. The kids were really struggling. Depression, anxiety, declining school grades.
“My youngest daughter had fallen out with her best friend and was especially struggling. So, I arranged for us both to go and stay with my parents. This was during lockdown. The other two were older and coping much better. So, they decided to stay put.
“When we told Brian about our plan, he freaked out. He called the police and told them we were breaking lockdown rules. The police called me. And I said, ‘I thought you can leave your home in a domestic abuse situation?’. They started asking questions ‘Has he been violent?’ And I said ‘yes he has’. I told them what it was like living with him.
“In the end, I had permission from two counties’ police to travel. He couldn’t stop us. He’d have had to break lockdown to do it. He didn’t have his driving license – he’d been arrested for drink driving. He couldn't follow us. And so we went. We had a lovely, calm time with my parents. My daughter blossomed.
“One of my friends who knew a little about my situation with Brian mentioned seeing My CWA on Facebook. She was worried though. She didn't want me to think that she was inferring that I was being abused and worried what I’d think if she mentioned it. Thank goodness she did.
“My first conversation with My CWA was great. They completely understood the situation and got me talking openly about it. My focus had been on getting permission to leave the house in lockdown, but they were able to talk to me about much more than that. I had a sort of assessment call. We went through everything that had happened over the years. It was the first time I'd done that.
“It was such a relief that everybody I talked to – the police, My CWA, a national domestic abuse helpline I’d called – they all understood, they believed me. Nobody said it was my fault, that I should have done something different. It was a strange feeling. They got it, they wanted to help.”
“The police waited while we packed up…”
“I’d told My CWA that, at some point, my daughter would want to leave her grandparents and go home to see her friends. So, they went through a safety plan with me. We discussed having a second phone and setting up safe words with my friends and family. So, if I ever posted on Facebook or sent friends a message, saying ‘I really want a McDonalds’, they would know that I hated McDonalds, that they’ve got to help me.
“We came back home. And the name-calling started immediately. He was convinced I was seeing somebody else. He’d been contacting some of my friends to ask them was it them. Calling me a ‘f*cking sl*t’ in front of the kids.
“We were back for less than a week when it got out of hand. We’d had a big argument about food. At this point I was cooking when I could. He told me he didn't like the food I’d made. The kids were trying to get him to calm down and stop, to leave me alone. My son squeezed a glass. I think he was trying to keep still and calm. But he just squeezed the glass too hard. It broke in his hand, and I just thought ‘this is this is out of control’ and called the police. By then I’d been talking to CWA, and we’d talked about when to call the police. This was the first time that I'd ever called the police myself.
“The police were great. They told me to keep out of the kitchen, anywhere with sharp objects. I told them it had calmed down, that the argument had stopped. I went back up to my room, the kids were in their rooms. But Brian had gone up to one of my daughters’ rooms, and I suddenly heard her shouting at him to get out of her room. I called 999 again. They came straight away. My daughter told them he was too close to her and gesticulating angrily, that she wanted him out of her space, but he refused to leave.
“The police waited while we packed up and we left again. I've never been back since.”
“The police were so helpful.”
“We stayed with my parents another two weeks while I sorted out a rental property back home. I had to keep the rental details a secret. My parents had to guarantee the rent because I couldn't prove my income. I didn't have a separate bank account. I only had the money for a two-bedroom place, but my older kids were comfortable sleeping in the family home, and we planned that they’d visit after school.
“I had to collect some belongings from the house. My CWA told me to let the police know, to log it in case there was any trouble so the police could come quickly. The police advised I let Brian know, so it was less of a surprise. He freaked out.
“My friends were going to come and move his car to make way for the removals van, because Brian didn't have his driving license. But he accused me of having an affair with them, so they didn’t want to come, they didn’t want to anger him further. So, the police came with me. Brian tried to control what I was taking, tried to stop me taking things I’d bought myself. The police kept me focused on just getting myself and necessities out.
“The police were so helpful. I shared evidence - emails and text messages and things – and they raised crime numbers. In the end, they had to close the cases. Even though Brian had admitted to assaulting me, it was overseas and so long ago it was very unlikely he’d be prosecuted. But I felt better that it was all logged, that they had on record what he’d done.
“More recently, I’ve spoken to them about Brian’s harassing emails and texts. They told me to block him on all channels. And that any discussions about the children could be through the solicitors only. They went to see him several times to get him to stop contacting me. He’d stop for a bit and then start up again. He still tried to reach me occasionally.”
“I feel safe now.”
“He dragged out the divorce as long as he possibly could. It took almost two years. And it cost us more than six figures in fees. It was such a ridiculous waste of money, time, energy and upset.
“I got a fair settlement even though he fought it. Part of the financial agreement was that the family home would be put up for sale, which he was still living in. But he had to cooperate as part of the court agreement. I bought a house with my share. And now I’ve got room for all three kids.
“I feel safe now. I had six months of counselling. I had been on anti-anxiety medicine but I'm starting to come off that now. I've got great friends and I've started going to some of the My CWA peer support groups. I'm far more open to asking people for help. People have been amazing in giving me help.
“My CWA’s Gateway program was helpful too. It opened my eyes to everything I'd been experiencing. We updated my safety plan for the rental place. They came round with an alarm for me and encouraged me to fix things around the house, like security lights.
“It’s the simple things that make me happy now. I can watch TV when I want and watch whatever I want. I can put whatever music I want on around the house. I can be in any room. I can make every decision – what I eat, when I eat, what my money gets spent on. I didn't have any of those freedoms.
“If I could speak to my younger self, when I’d just got into a relationship with Brian, I'd tell her ‘Get out. Get out now’. Because if you allow bad behaviour in the beginning of relationship, it's just going to get worse.
“I was going through some of the notes I made for the police and one of them said ‘…this argument started because I ate the wrong thing from the fridge’. Now everything in the fridge I've chosen, and I can eat what I want when I want. And the same with my kids. They can eat when they want. They can have friends over. It’s just being able to live what everybody else knows as a normal life.”
If you’ve been affected by domestic abuse and need support, contact My CWA today. You’re not alone.