how to heal

How do I start to heal now I’ve left my abusive relationship?

Being physically free from your abuser is just the first step. It can take much longer to feel emotionally free. The upsetting memories, flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety and depression might continue to impact your quality of life long after the actual threat of abuse has gone.

The damage you’ve experienced through an abusive relationship could be deep and long-lasting. You might even be experiencing post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or symptoms that are closely associated with PTSD. But with the right support, you can start to heal and move on.

If you want to develop the confidence to live a happier, healthier life that is free from fear, make sure you take the time to heal properly after leaving your abuser – to repair the damage to your sense of self-worth. Acknowledge the damage caused, learn to trust your instincts when looking out for warning signs in potential partners and show yourself the same kindness and compassion that you’d show your friends when starting to rebuild your life.

Acknowledging the damage caused

It’s really important that you acknowledge the damage that’s been done so you can access the right support to heal. Don’t be afraid to admit the extent of the harm.

Your abuser might have convinced you that it was all in your head or that you were just as much to blame, but it wasn’t. You didn’t cause this. The only person responsible for abuse is the perpetrator. You didn’t go crazy. You weren’t ridiculous or over-sensitive. We believe you.

Acknowledgement includes your children too. Even if they weren’t subjected to the abuse themselves, there will be a healing process required in order to move on from domestic abuse. It’s not easy to admit your children have witnessed or experienced unhealthy or harmful behaviours at home, especially if you’ve tried your best to hide it from them.

But kids hear raised voices. They sense tension. They step on eggshells. They learn everything they know about relationships from the adults around them. So if you’re going to heal properly, you need to get support for everyone affected, including your children.

Moving on

Without an effective healing process, you could find it hard to move on. You might have been with your abuser for your entire adult life. What now? It can be terrifying when that constant is removed – even if you now know you deserve better.

Effective healing will give you the confidence to believe in yourself – the confidence to live an independent life. With the right support, you’ll no longer feel lost and overwhelmed. You’ll feel liberated and proud and happy.

Effective healing will also help you to develop confidence in your own instincts, so you’re better equipped to spot the early warning signs in any future relationships. Try to work on your healing before starting a new relationship, so you’re ready to walk away if your spidey senses tell you to.

Remember, you deserve a loving, safe and respectful relationship. You deserve a partner who cherishes and appreciates you and whose actions reflect that. Don’t settle for anything less.

Being kind to yourself

Abuse is always the fault of the perpetrator, but we know that sadly many of the people we support blame themselves at some point – either for the abuse itself happening, or for not getting away sooner, or by shouldering some of the responsibility for the impact on the children. It was not your fault.

Part of the healing process after leaving an abusive relationship involves being kind to yourself. Accept that you weren’t to blame. Accept that doing things differently wouldn’t have stopped the abuse.

Abuse is about power and coercion, so if even if you’d been more loving… stayed quiet instead of shouting back… done as you were told… none of it would have made any difference to the person who wanted to control you. You are here now because you are courageous and determined – and because you know you’re worth more.

Step Forward to Recovery

Step Forward to Recovery is a domestic abuse survivor recovery programme, created by MyCWA in collaboration with survivors. It’s an easy-to-follow, self-paced online programme you can complete in a safe place, whenever you’re ready.

Through six modules, you’ll cover the following topics, all designed to help you heal from your experiences:

1. Intro (including downloadable recovery journal)

2. Safety

3. Understanding domestic abuse

4. Impact on parenting & children

5. People who harm

6. Recovery

To find out more and enquire about enrolling on the course, visit the Step Forward to Recovery page on our website.