Real Life | Stephen
We first met Stephen* in 2019. Scroll down to read his story.
STEPHEN
Background
In November 2019, Stephen* and his wife were referred to us by the police following a vulnerable person assessment (VPA). Although on that occasion, the couple chose not to engage, Stephen later self-referred as a victim of domestic abuse.
By this time, the couple – who have three children together – had tried two different marriage counsellors but had been asked to leave by both due to volatile arguments in the sessions. Stephen felt their marriage would end without something changing.
My CWA support
Stephen and his wife needed support with changing their harmful behaviours. There had been physical and emotional abuse and at least one police call out. The children had witnessed at least one incident of physical abuse. Stephen saw himself solely as a victim and didn’t recognise that his own behaviours were harmful.
Recovery programmes
Stephen attended one-to-one sessions that focused on recognising and taking responsibility for his own harmful behaviours. He then completed Level 1 of our Lifeline behaviour change programme. Stephen’s wife attended the Evolve behaviour change programme for women who use harmful behaviours.
The future
Stephen is now able to use behaviour change tools to manage his anger and frustration and ensure he doesn’t use harmful and abusive behaviours towards his partner or children. The children are happier and respond to him better now he’s a calmer person.
Stephen and his wife aren’t sure that their marriage will ever be perfect, but that they now have the tools to recognise abusive behaviours when they creep back in – and to stop the cycle of abuse.
We have a three month check-in booked with Stephen and his wife, who both have the helpline number in case their situation changes and they feel they need further support.
In Stephen’s words…
Having completed the workshop recently I thought it was important to provide some feedback and take the time to extend my thanks for all the help and support you have all provided.
Not only that, but a first-hand account of how the work you all do has not only instigated me to search inside of myself in admitting some harsh truths about myself, but more importantly the positive and I would say amazing impact it is having on my interactions and relationships with family and all those I interact with in everyday life.
I joined this program with the firm believe I was simply a victim and that somehow someone would dig me out my situation. However, whilst as I learned about myself my feeling and emotions were in many cases and may well be justified, that is no excuse for adding to an already burning fire. By understanding that and accepting that I have more readily been able to be in tune of my own emotions and actions with a recognition of a stronger sense of self awareness.
Whilst it’s all still work-in-progress – and I am far from perfect – by being on this programme it has lit a switch that is completely focused on bringing about a positive change. I now have a clear goal and for me, more importantly a clear path of how I can reach that destination.
For so long I’ve been afraid of the resistance along the way, but can now accept that obstacles are merely a part of the quest and journey as I work to my goal.
The key has been to learn how to deal with obstacles and not run from or fight with them. To be a better version of myself and ultimately provide my children with a secure, safe and calm environment, one in which they can be happy and not have to worry. To encourage and build a zero tolerance approach to aggression and harmful behaviours.
From my earliest chat with Jodie, in which a simple statement like ask yourself if it’s really worth it… to the meetings with Bethan, in which you respectfully challenged me to be honest with myself and supported me to understand how I can't change anyone else, only focus on me and what I can do.
All have had such a huge impact. From a real sense of self awareness, as mentioned whereby if I'm returning home, asking myself if I'm in the right frame of mind, asking myself what is it I need to do to get to that happy place in myself.
Not being afraid to question myself sat in the pit. I find this particularly useful since by being honest with myself it leads me to take the corrective steps far quicker with purpose than simply hiding it and making up for anything that led me there in the first place.
To give you an idea, where the day could take its toll and I could be pretty reactive rather than responsive, by being on this workshop it has had huge positive impacts on my relationship with the kids.
For example, my child doesn't need to worry about going to sleep seeing his dad stressed and angry at things nothing to do with him, I'm much more able to switch of from that and focus on what each of these kids needs and make my experiences and interactions positive ones. The proof is in the pudding and when I see him and the kids smile and laugh before bed time and me leaving the room it’s all been worth it.
As I said, never let anyone underestimate the great work you all do. Your calmness and ability to listen and really help is inspiring to someone like me. Not only that, in all honesty I was hesitant at first about this programme.
Maybe I thought I was above it. Maybe it was a case of, “well I'm the victim – why am I doing it?” In the end, during the programme and I hope this reads correctly, I didn't even care about any of that, since I started to re-discover myself and what benefits there were to be had.
I honestly believe if you get the right people to engage with this, there is no end to the good you can do for people. Whilst mine and partners issues may never be reconciled with a fairy tale ending, it is irreverent compared to the benefits of self-management, which you have shown me as I and my partner attempt to lead these children into their future, with now a firm sense and a building belief – through your support – that I can now call myself a positive role model to my children.
Whatever, the future make-up of my mine and my partner’s relationships, you’ve helped me to take an objective perspective and one that will keep peace in a home. I guess if one person stops playing a two player game, there’s no game to play and the positives of that far outweigh the positives for carrying on in the same blame-based approach.
This just encourages me to do better and hold onto all that I have learned from My CWA and will continue to learn throughout life.
I'm sorry I’ve written a lot here, but I want you to see what it is you have done for me and I cannot thank you enough for that. I’ve realised a real sense of humility and actually feel blessed to have received the help I have.
I wish you all the best there and I hope to have a positive chat with Bethan three months from now, with progress and that all of the above continues to grow.
Thank you.
*Name changed to protect the identity of our service user.