Domestic abuse – notice the warning signs
Five ways to mental wellbeing
At My CWA, we follow the Government’s five ways to mental wellbeing* in our work with families and individuals affected by domestic abuse
Take notice
Take notice is the fourth of the five areas of wellbeing. Not many domestic abuse survivors describe themselves as victims. Often, when we hear the word ‘victim,’ our preconceived ideas about what victims look like tell us we aren’t like that. Perhaps we’re ‘gobby.’ Maybe we fight back. We’re outgoing. Successful. Smart. Other people are victims. Not us.
Taking notice of what’s happening around you can help you build an accurate picture of what’s going on so you can acknowledge – and act on – any unhealthy behaviours happening within your relationship. A written record – such as a notepad or journal – can help you record your observations so you can refer back to them if you’re ever in doubt.
So take notice to improve your wellbeing and work towards a happier, brighter future that’s free from the fear of domestic abuse:
Notice the way you feel
Notice their actions
Notice your own behaviour
Notice the way you feel
In the pursuit of happiness, it’s easy to forget there are tons of other emotions we might experience on any given day. Sadness. Fear. Anger. Surprise. Frustration. Joy. Shame. Boredom. Confusion. Disgust. Anxiousness. Worry.
Notice the way you feel. When you’re with your partner. When you’re not with your partner. When they’re in a good mood. When they’re in a bad mood. Does their mood affect yours? Do you worry about what’ll happen if their mood changes?
In our work with children, we use a tool called Feelings Faces to help children think about their emotions and keep a record of them over time. Mood trackers can be a really useful tool for adults too. They can help you paint a picture of the way you’re feeling over the course of, say, a month – and spot patterns of behaviour that you might not otherwise notice.
“I made excuse after excuse for his behaviour. Then I started my feelings tracker and could see, right there on paper, that whenever he was around it was like I had this dark cloud hanging over me.”
– TRISH.
Notice their actions
Actions speak louder than words, right? When someone tells you who there are – through their harmful behaviour – listen. Words become meaningless when they follow harmful actions. And the more often they’re accompanied by harmful or unhealthy behaviours, the more meaningless they become.
Notice disrespectful or harmful behaviour within your relationship and acknowledge it for what it is. Healthy relationships are built on trust, respect and open communication. So if you’re experiencing the opposite, don’t let empty words change the way you respond.
“I’m so sorry.”
“It won’t happen again.”
“I love you so much.”
“You’re everything to me.”
“I was drunk.”
“I’m nothing without you.”
Sound familiar?
Remember, actions speak louder than words. If someone is deliberately hurting you – physically, emotionally or otherwise – then you’re being abused. Notice their actions and contact us for support whenever you’re ready.
Journaling
Keeping a record of your emotions, your partner’s actions and your own behaviour can help you paint an accurate picture of what’s happening.
Notice your own behaviour
Think about your own behaviour…
Do you ‘walk on eggshells’ when your partner’s in a bad mood?
Do you worry about what’ll happen if they have too much to drink?
Do you adapt your behaviour according to your partner’s mood?
Stay out of their way to avoid confrontation?
Or perhaps you apologise repeatedly after arguments/beg for forgiveness while they give you the silent treatment?
Modifying your own behaviour to avoid the fallout isn’t a healthy way to live. So think about your own actions and behaviour – when your partner’s around, when they’re not around, when you’re alone/in a group.
If you modify your own behaviour according to their mood – or because you anticipate conflict if you don’t – consider whether it’s time to take action now. Either to leave or to seek help in order to stay together safely.
Take notice for a positive future…
By taking notice of the things that are happening within your relationship, you can work towards a new future. A happy and fulfilling life isn’t something other people get to have. You’re as worthy of love and joy and hope as anyone else. And we’re here to help whenever you need us.
If you’re worried about something that’s happening in your relationship – with a partner, parent or someone else – and you need help workout out what to do next, contact us when you’re ready.
*The five areas of wellbeing are:
Connect: Strengthening relationships with others – and feeling close to and valued by others, including at work – is critical to boosting wellbeing.
Keep learning: Being curious and seeking out new experiences at work – and in life more generally – positively stimulates the brain.
Be active: Being physically active – including at work – improves physical health and can improve mood and wellbeing and decrease stress, depression and anxiety.
Take notice: Paying more attention to the present moment – to thoughts and feelings and to the world around us – boosts our wellbeing.
Give: Carrying out acts of kindness – whether small or large – can increase happiness, life satisfaction and general sense of wellbeing.