Making positive changes & working on your recovery
Five ways to mental wellbeing
At My CWA, we follow the Government’s five ways to mental wellbeing* in our work with families and individuals affected by domestic abuse
Be active
Be active is the third of the five areas of wellbeing. By being active in making positive changes and/or working on your domestic abuse recovery journey, you can work towards a happier, brighter future:
Be active within a harmful relationship
Be active when you’re making plans to leave a harmful relationship
Be active in your domestic abuse recovery journey
Be active: within a harmful relationship
If you’re not ready to leave your harmful relationship, you can still be active in finding new ways to cope or making plans to leave safely.
Develop independence
Be active in gaining independence. Feeling trapped in your harmful relationship makes it harder for you to leave. You’ve become dependent. Emotionally. Financially. Logistically. The key to breaking free? Independence.
Taking active steps to develop your independence – whether that’s making plans with friends and going out and about more often without your partner, or applying for jobs so you have your own income – will do wonders for your emotional wellbeing. If it sounds a bit daunting, start with something small and build up gradually.
“I had a lightbulb moment – his bitching about my mates had been a tactic to make me see them differently and stop spending time with them. The whole point was to isolate me – and it had worked.
I started making more effort and realising I had a support network that had been there all along honestly made it feel like a weight had been lifted.”
– STUART
Develop confidence
Make time to do something that makes you feel good. Could be exercise. Something creative. Journaling. Meditation. Something you know you’re good at that’ll give you that little boost of confidence every time you do it.
Because having confidence in your abilities will help you develop confidence in other areas. Like confidence in your ability to think clearly. Rationally. To make sound judgements. To make decisions that are right for you and your family.
Write a safety plan
It’s easy for people who’ve never been there to say things like: “But why don’t they just leave?” We hear that kind of thing all the time. But we know how excruciatingly difficult it can be for the people who are actually experiencing domestic abuse to walk away. If you’re not ready to leave, you can still be active in making changes by writing a personalised safety plan.
Safety planning
A safety plan can help you to stay safe whether you choose to stay or leave. Click here to find out more…
Be active: when you’re leaving an abusive relationship
If you’re ready to leave your harmful relationship, the action you take before, during and after can help you stay calm and focused.
Follow your safety plan
If you want to leave your abusive relationship, careful planning can help you do that safely. Following your safety plan can help you stay calm and focused.
What action can you take now that will help you?
What support do you have in place?
What action will you take once you’ve left?
If you’re worried that you or your children might be at risk, the police can help you leave safely. Find out how to write your own personalised safety plan here.
Cut contact
Taking action to cut contact with your abuser can help you protect yourself from further harm. This might be easier said than done – especially if there are children to consider – but there are ways you can limit contact in order to move on and recover from what you’ve experienced.
Think about whether you could…
Block your abuser on all social media platforms.
Block their number. If you need to keep communication channels open due to having shared children, consider having a separate pay-as-you-go phone so you can limit contact to specific times/topics.
Ask a family member or someone neutral to do handover with your children if you’re worried that confrontation or arguments might happen.
Meet somewhere public if you don’t want your ex-partner to know where you live.
Avoid being guilt-tripped into keeping things amicable “for the kids” if you’re worried that your abuser might compromise your safety in your home/safe space.
Report any threats of violence or abusive incidents to the police so they can take action to help if you’re at further risk of harm.
“I realised that keeping up this charade of an amicable split for the sake of the kids just wasn’t going to happen any time soon. They’d actually be so much happier if they didn’t have to experience the toxic atmosphere between me and my ex.
My family helped out and between my mum, brother and sometimes my best friend, they made sure someone else could do drop off and collection so I didn’t have to see my ex.”
– LAILA
Keep busy
Leaving an abusive relationship can be really tough. But staying away can be just as hard. People who harm will try several different tactics to regain control. They might:
Plead / promise to change
Cry / emotionally manipulate you (e.g. “What about the kids?”)
Gaslight you (e.g. “I can’t believe you’re doing this.”)
Make threats (suicide/self-harm or threats towards you)
Keep busy so you’re not tempted to return to your harmful relationship. Go for a walk. Watch a film. Have a brew. Sign up for a course. Call a friend. Picture your future. Set goals. Get out there and DO STUFF to focus your mind somewhere else.
Be active: an effective domestic abuse recovery journey
Spend time actively working on your domestic abuse recovery. Grieve. Learn to love yourself. Reflect. And allow yourself time to heal.
Process your grief
The end of a relationship can feel like a bereavement. The sense of loss can certainly cause the kind of emotions we associate with the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and… eventually… acceptance.
Make sure you process your grief properly. Allow yourself to scream into a pillow, sob your heart out while that music’s playing, question where things went wrong or wonder what you could have done differently.
Be ready for the five stages of grief and let your emotions run their course as you get closer to the acceptance stage where you feel ready to move on. That process will be different for everyone, so take time to acknowledge and accept your feelings as part of your own personal grief cycle.
Learn to love yourself
Many of the people we support have experienced multiple harmful relationships. This might be due to unhealthy or harmful childhood relationship models, low self-esteem or perhaps an underlying desire to “fix” someone who you see as “broken.” Or it might be a combination of things.
Avoid moving on from one harmful relationship into another by learning to love yourself. Put yourself first. Learn how to feel complete without a partner. Learn how to make decisions for yourself. What are your likes and dislikes? How do you like to dress? What are your interests?
Learning to love yourself and feel content without a partner can help you avoid falling into the trap of another harmful relationship where all the power and control is one-sided.
“I’d been told I was worthless/useless for so long that I had to actively do something to counteract that once I’d left. So I started saying positive affirmations every morning:
I am enough. I deserve more. I can do better. I am resilient.
After a while I actually started to believe them. It made such a difference to my confidence and just my general wellbeing. Four years later and I still say my affirmations every morning.”
– LAURA
Reflect
Reflecting on what you could’ve done differently doesn’t mean trying to come up with ways you could’ve stopped an abuser becoming abusive. It’s not your job to fix someone whose behaviour is harming you.
The only person responsible for abuse is the perpetrator, so unless they are prepared to take responsibility and make positive changes (for example, through a behaviour change programme) you can’t stop them. When we talk about reflecting, this is an important point to make.
What you can do is reflect on what early warning signs you might have missed. Think about why you didn’t spot them. Or why you felt unable to act when you did spot them. Perhaps you learnt unhealthy lessons about relationships growing up? Maybe you felt like you had too much to lose by the time you spotted that first red flag?
Spend some time reflecting on what led you to accept unhealthy behaviours within your relationship. Why didn’t you feel as though you were more deserving? Of love? Honesty? Respect? Happiness?
Reflecting on these things can help you set boundaries and make healthier choices in the future.
Act now for a positive future…
By making positive changes now you can work towards a new future. A happy and fulfilling life isn’t something other people get to have. You’re as worthy of love and joy and hope as anyone else. And we’re here to help whenever you need us.
If you’re worried about something that’s happening in your relationship – with a partner, parent or someone else – and you need help workout out what to do next, contact us when you’re ready.
*The five areas of wellbeing are:
Connect: Strengthening relationships with others – and feeling close to and valued by others, including at work – is critical to boosting wellbeing.
Keep learning: Being curious and seeking out new experiences at work – and in life more generally – positively stimulates the brain.
Be active: Being physically active – including at work – improves physical health and can improve mood and wellbeing and decrease stress, depression and anxiety.
Give: Carrying out acts of kindness – whether small or large – can increase happiness, life satisfaction and general sense of wellbeing.
Take notice: Paying more attention to the present moment – to thoughts and feelings and to the world around us – boosts our wellbeing.